Keeping the romance alive while incontinent

Tom Petty called it a long road, Pat Benatar said it was a battlefield and Foreigner wanted to know what it is. We are of course talking about, you guessed it, love. Intimate moments for people with incontinence can be a tough prospect. In this article, we’ll take a look at how you can keep the flame alive whilst jumping over the hurdles of incontinence. And don’t forget, love knows no bounds!

Clear and honest communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Add incontinence into the mix and it becomes even more important. Start by having an open conversation with your partner about how incontinence affects both of you. Understanding each other's perspectives creates a solid foundation for addressing challenges together. 

Nailing open communication will make things much easier if any accidents happen when you’re trying to be Mr or Mrs Romantic. Fostering an environment where you both feel free to say what’s on your mind will make it much less embarrassing, less stressful and give you room to breathe. 

We spoke to Dr. Laura Jurgens, a somatic sexologist and intimacy coach. Laura’s an expert in the field and gave us some great insight:

“First, addressing the shame is really important because no one feels sexy when they feel ashamed. It's also really hard to have intimate, playful connection when you're hyper focused on fearing judgement. While there is no need to feel ashamed, it's normal if you do because our cultural messaging around incontinence has been needlessly shaming. This is a normal, extremely common medical issue. We don't shame people for having a heart condition, for example, or treat them as less sexy. Gently starting to open up to your partner and trusted friends about your feelings of shame can help loosen the hold shame has on you.

Second, know that it's absolutely possible to have great sex with incontinence. I've had clients with incontinence from post-partum, from diabetes, stress, or radical prostatectomy. All of them have been able to have great sex lives. It can take a bit of creativity and negotiation. The key is expanding your sexual and sensual repertoire in ways that fit your needs as a couple. Spending a lot more time in sensual touching and foreplay is a great way to connect romantically, whether you have genital contact or not.

When you do have sex, knowing your own patterns and triggers is important. If you're worried about losing bladder control during orgasm, practice with yourself so you know what's likely to happen and then talk to your partner so no one is surprised. Bowel issues can be harder to figure out, but scheduling sex for when the tank is empty is a good idea.”